Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says it doesn’t count as sex if I don’t last longer than 30 seconds. So apparently I’m still a virgin in her books.

   i wonder how people describe me when they’re talking about me to someone who’s never met me

   My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”

   The hardest part about making friends is definitely the swimsuit competition.

   2 years ago the creator of redbull died, to this day his eyes are still open.

   Kim Kardashian in a fender bender REAR ENDER!! obviously nobody hurt!! Air bag went off but then again Kanye always does!

   I went to the bookstore and ask the sales woman "Where is the self help section" she said if she told me it would defet the purpose

   I manage my anger as long as you manage your stupidity and don't bother me with it.

   spilled an energy drink on the floor and my two chihuahuas licked it up before I could clean it... they are now both doing push ups

   Once upon a time a Prince asked a Princess to marry him. She said no. So the Prince got to buy trucks and boats, date big breasted girls, go hunting an

   If I were funny I'd be on tv. But I'm on Facebook instead... talk about a let down.

   Due to solar radiation the American flag planted on the moon is now faded completely to white. Great, now it looks like the French landed there...

   I'm a s confused as an Octopus taking a Rorschach test

   A new study reveals that parents who spend more time on their smartphones have more negative interactions with their children. While parents who spend less time on their smartphones are really mad that they forgot their charger.

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work.

   Went to see 300 Rise of An Empire last night. After that Athenians sex scene, I realized alot of Empire was rising in the theater. The Men sat down and watched the credits all the way to the very end!

   There's a band called 1023MB, They haven't had any gigs yet!

   Warm weather brings out the non tax payers outside

   My girl has been asleep for 14 hours now. I'm debating trying to wake her in case she's dead. But then again if I do wake her up I'll then be dead..

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!