Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Letting people know they're idiots is my religion.

   Fellas; There's no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.

   you don’t get to say “long story short” 30 minutes into your stupid story about men, Janet.

   I just thought of something. The expression, "That's so 15 minutes ago" is so 15 minutes ago.

   I never delete messages just incase someone try to play me and say I'm ugly. You wasn't saying that March 12,2010 at 4:35pm.hahahahahaa

   Los Angeles area McDonald's spared no expense promoting Shamrock Shakes yesterday.

   A lost and found but for airplanes.

   Lock Chris Brown up till he's pregnant!!

   Coffee: Creative fuel!!

   Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth

   Sweet! McDonalds must be still celebrating St. Patricks day today by dyeing there hamburger meat green! Oh wait....

   Please Spare a thought for the man who told his wife he was going to China on that Malaysian flight no MH. 370 and now can't come out of his girlfriend's flat.!

   How great would it be if Justin Bieber and all of the Kardashians started flying on Malaysian Airlines?

   To me, the Poke feature is a litmus test to weed out the easy going girls from the uptight Medusa types.

   PRO TIP; Become good friends with her mom. Trust me the benefits are too many to list here.

   What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   Women are experts at knowing what you really meant. But, they don't .

   My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn't totally destroy my phone

   Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you're not hanging out with enough people.