Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I searched Google, Bing and Yahoo on the word Impotence and nothing came up?

   I saw an ad on a dating site called: Friends With Benefits. So I made a date, and it went well...right up to when I said, "Ok, I'll be your friend, now where's my health plan?" She got PO'd. Why? What's so bad about that?

   I don’t know a lot, but I know Facebook is as helpful as a football bat.

   I thought lubing my arse with vegetable oil would make my poop come out faster, but I just slipped off the toilet and shat on the floor.. :(

   I named my dìck truth, because bìtchès can't handle it.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get... You're already hard to want.

   Racism makes as much sense as saying I don't want that gift because of the color of the wrapping paper.

   Hey McDonald's, here's an add to fire back at Taco Bell: Eat at McDonald's, you won't sh.. your pants. -your welcome.

   Bumped and grinded last night.....my head on bed post and my teeth

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?

   Facebook got 2 billion to burn even though the site is 90% candy crush requests & fake news that tricked your grandma.

   Envy = inferiority

   Shout out to all my peeps and be glad I am not drinking or I would be drunk calling you right now @2:13AM. . .. . .

   If you're in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light and you put your head lights on does it act as breaks and slow you down. . .

   A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

   I can't find my phone,,, I must be on Malaysia Airplain mode

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   I'm sure that I'm not alone in this. My whole life Frosted Flakes has been my favorite cereal. I keep it in my freezer as the cereal says Frosted.

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?