Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a mustache always keep it neat, I don't want to see anything hanging over your lips

   There is more strippers in Detroit then normal people.

   If you feel like you've done nothing in life remember that some trees take 20 years to grow only to become notebooks with Justin Bieber on them.

   Good grief...dont just sit there with a stupid look on your face like Stephen Hawking...say something!

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   *Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"

   When life hands you pig hooves and horse gums, make hot dogs.

   “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends." Lincoln. It means, in order to turn your enemies into friends, you have to become President.

   Burger King ripped off McD's with the Big King. Now they are ripping off Wataburger with the Twataburger.... it is a fish sandwich.

   Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   You are the birthday card with no money in it of people.

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

   You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

   Looking for hot women on the TV show "Jeopardy". Uh,..nope. Not today.

   I’m starting to think some people only have girlfriends so they can walk slowly in public in front of some guy in a hurry

   how come there’s nothing in the bible about people who step on the back of your shoe then it comes off? christianity is okay with that?

   in the words of our dear beloved and departed, Mother Theresa - “these hoes ain’t loyal”

   At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.

   I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people.