Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You say lonely I say home alone with an opportunity to masturbate

   My wife was all “Let’s try role playing” but now she’s all “Listen here, ‘Farmer Brown,’ I am not putting on a sheep costume.” SMH

   Nice guys finish somewhere other than in your hair.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   Cop: Why do you have a lighter if you don't smoke cigarettes? Me: Sir, you never know when you might need a fire.

   how do mexicans cut their pizza... with little ceasers

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   Sad to say but WWE is coming to the end....

   If you talk more than you think... That's a huge problem.

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.

   licking cheeto dust off his fingers counts as foreplay, right?

   Why do fools fall in love? Because smart people know that, odds are, it will end horribly.

   If I was in that Malaysian airplane my wife would find it in 10 minutes..

   Women just complain I mean gripe I mean argue I ........I mean women are smart honey

   Ladies, a piece of advice. If your boyfriend or husband gives you a facial/spa treatment as a gift, be a little more specific. After all, it might not be a good idea to post how happy you are that he gave you "a facial".

   Odd how all the 'intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth.

   Going vegetarian is a missed steak.......sorry had to

   Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.

   My wife just put me in charge of obeying her.