Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At Starbucks I order under the name Dad. Then leave.

   I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   Some girl just asked me if she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on whether she's going to kill batman or not.

   The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment...

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

   If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you.

   “Dude things are messed up with Syria.” “Yeah. I hope she performs better in iPhone 6.” I have stupid, really stupid friends

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   I like my women the way I like my cocaine. Smuggled in from a foreign country and sold to me at a fair price.

   Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people..

   The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.

   Everything I eat turns to $hit.

   Turn to the person next to you to introduce yourself and say "Pat McCrotch".

   At the end of each day, life should ask us, 'Do you want to save the changes?'

   Yoga pants have given way to skirts and dresses, and trust me ladies. The guys are just as stoked as you are. Potentially more stoked. #spring

   My coworker's inspire me to drink on the job.

   If you don't smother your food in salt we can't be high blood pressure friends...

   The fact that Jay Z scored Beyonce tells me we all have a shot at love, no matter what we look like.

   Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!