love Funny Status Messages

   Ok straight up, ladies. I love and respect all of you, but you all know how you can be when you're PMS'n. Do we really want a woman for president. I rest my case ! ! !

   The only thing more romantic than true love is getting hit by a train.

   Quit telling everyone how much you love Fall, you psychopath.

   She calls it "making love." I call it "trying to destroy her."

   If somebody doesn't text me back within 5 minutes I assume they don't love me or that they've died from loving me too much.

   FYI....If you are one of those who like the strong silent type....then you're gonna just love my farts!!

   Don't listen to Billy Joel's piano man. It turns out that making love to your Tonic & Gin will get you thrown out of the bar.

   I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.

   Things I like about Autumn is slipping on a leaf that was hiding a piece of dog poop beneath it. Love that!!!

   Driving 42 miles to buy the same apples I could get 50% cheaper at the local grocery store 2 miles from my house is the reason why I absolutely love Autumn.

   I show my coffeemaker the same love and affection you show your soul mate. And mine doesn't talk back.

   The Love Boat was my favorite 80's TV show about senior citizens infecting each other with STD's on the open seas.

   Nothing tests the love for your children like being awoken at 2 AM with a Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat kick to the sternum.

   Love the samples at Costco, however I think of them more as tapas you have to fight strangers to the death over.

   Really hate crime but I love true crime docs so I'm at a real impasse here.

   Today, famous author Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame revealed she left her husband for her female best friend. Future plans include a sequel to the best-selling book entitled "Eat, Pray, Scissor."

   A lot of women love the "bad boy" mentality, so today I wore tennis shoes but had no intention of playing tennis.

   For the next week, out of great love and respect, I'm calling my willy Wonka.

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Love Halloween, seeing all the monsters and the scary imagery. Then I turn off the campaign ads and wait for the trick-or-treaters.