lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   If there are ice cream vans in the summer, why cant we have Starbucks vans in the winter?

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

   We were without phone, TV and internet access for a few hours today. It was terrifying because I almost got some work done.

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today. I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

   Internet Explorer - the best browser in the world for downloading Firefox.

   After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online. ;-)

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   When I want to show off my best curves, I smile.

   If you're having trouble with using the correct your/you're, just use “ur” because ur a moron!

   How do you spell "clitoris"? I don't know but I had it on the tip of my tongue a moment ago.

   The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   Did you hear about the new Austalian diet? It's called Swim Fast.

   Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

   I tYp3 LyK tHi5 cuz i'm cool, No..you type like that because you failed English Now go to preschool and ‘Type like this.'

   Legally,It's questionable. Morally,It's disgusting. Personally,I like it.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say “Didn't you read my statuses?”

   If I sleep on my side, do the "ZZZZs" turn into "NNNNs" ?

   Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?