Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is it when there are 2 girls in a profile picture it always belongs to the uglier of the two?

   OK, How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   “Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.”

   My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.

   It's okay to hate happy people.

   Good looks are a bonus, humour is a must.

   All you need to find true love is a gun, some rope and duct tape.

   How to conquer a woman and lose her in 3 seconds...you look beautiful! You don´t look like you at all!

   Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.

   Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook.

   I can only take selfies because I'm alonies

   I knew the sex was over when she woke up.

   I weigh myself every morning so I know exactly how much I need to hate myself that day.

   Attention: Today only you can buy #googleglass for $1500 and look like an even bigger D-bag! It even matches your bluetooth earpiece.

   So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?

   If king Joffery of GoT and Justin Bieber were to be in a sinking ship, what colour of wet paint would you love to watch dry?

   I am a blood moon survivor.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.

   Silence is golden unless you have kids then silence is suspicious.

   Now I ain't saying she's a golddigger, but the spelunking helmet and metal shavings on her work gloves certainly suggest she might be