Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

   Sorry I punched you in the throat, but you looked like you were going to say something.

   If you wear camo gear and you're not in the woods I'm just going to assume you're hunting dignity.

   Today is one of those days, so unless you're bringing me a beer DO NOT come within slapping reach!

   Fate has it's tricky ways of throwing something in front of you that you never expected.

   Easter candy on sale. Welcome back 10 pounds.

   I wonder if anyone at the snack food companies who label their products, "Cheddar Cheese" flavored, have actually ever tasted cheddar cheese.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

   Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?

   I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.

   It's cool how Bruce Lee studied philosophy & poetry then applied it to something beautiful like punching people in the face.

   if a tow truck hauls an RV, does that make the tow guy a "home-wrecker"?

   Let's play: "Put my you-know-what, in your you-know-where."

   I'm not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   When one door closes…I am like, "Dammit! I locked my f cuking keys inside"

   Lies I'll never stop telling my boss: No you're not bothering me Yes I'll meet the deadline Facebook? Never heard of it!

   There's a HUGE difference between sarcastic and sardonic. I'd call you intellectually challenged but I'm fresh out of euphemisms.