Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...

   I’ve spent the entirety of my adult life prolonging my childhood.

   You know what’s more annoying than worrying about a cop pulling you over? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.

   When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.

   No Jamies Winston, FSU does NOT stand for Free Seafood University

   I'm sorry, I thought we were at the swimsuit competition part of this job interview. Please hand me my towel.

   Thinking of getting another bed just for all my laundry

   Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a coworker with a runny nose.

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf ...and the ever popular "Garden hose refference"

   Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE BEN''S GIRLFRIEND"

   "Can I get that in camouflage?" White guys named Cody.

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd

   I can't find it, will you look for me? - Men

   How do you say "I don't care" in every language known to man?

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   Any day now I expect to look up from my phone and meet my grandkids.

   There is a man eating fries with a fork and airport security is doing nothing about it.

   Coaster? You're assuming I plan to put my drink down...