Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.

   I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker

   As soon as you get in a relationship, everyone wanna send you that 'I miss you' text.

   2014 parent: "when I was ur age we had morals back then...no sex before marriage,no drugs, no alcohol".Thanks for being honest...so I'll be honest as a 2044 parent "When I was ur age I had loads of unprotected sex,drugs and alcohol and here I am now"!

   If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.

   I like to be treated like a king... so I thought of going to Burger King & lying about it being my birthday

   Two do list: -Do -Do

   If I put bricks on top of my oven... Is that considered "Brick Oven Pizza?"

   Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.

   Sure, I'd get married. But has her on my fb? I’m not ready for that kind of commitment.

   Some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. I drink the drink.

   [variation] Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of accidentally dropping your ice cream.

   Women's biggest mistake: thinking men can read their minds Men's biggest mistake: not trying to read women's minds

   The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go.

   Being polite and rational - a woman's ultimate warning sign something is wrong.

   I'm at my most popular when I just want to be alone.

   why would you run on a treadmill when you could just turn it into a bed