Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.

   Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

   They say sex cures everything, but this broken foot isn't getting any better.

   I only date women that aren't my wife.

   If by multitasking you mean obsess and worry about a million things all at the same time then yes I'm multitasking.

   With the way he supports them, I won't be surprised if Obama admits that he is also gay!

   If you want to be equal why would you need to be congratulated for being gay?

   Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.

   Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.

   Yes tell everyone who cares to listen about how Monday sucks so we all know what a bore you are.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

   "Hello modelling agency?" "Yeah,one of my Facebook friends has 189 likes on photo and yes she is half naked I think she is ready to go pro."

   I'm starting to think I might be a Vampire. If I got stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake I think it would kill me

   I've have met everyone's mother today via Facebook

   Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!

   I just saw a commercial for Ramen noodles on the Food Network. Now that takes some balls...

   the 60's Batman and Robin were the brave pioneers of tight spandex pants ... blazing the brave trail for what would become the new and trendy fashion adopted by today's people of WalMart. Thanx Batman and Robin

   I beat 2048 today. Just goes to show that a little procrastination can still get you where you need to be.

   I wanna thank my mom for being there for me when I needed money for drugs & beer.. you're the best!!

   20 years ago nobody knew what gluten was, now there are only 3 people left in the world that can still eat a bagel.