Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever told someone you'd be ready in 10 minutes and 4 hours later you're still on Facebook?

   H0m0ph0bia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

   Pro Tip: Don't ask a chick if the Carpet matches the Drapes You sound like a interior decorator & everyone knows Interior decorators are gay

   Congrats on your 100th problem Jay-Z!!

   Good thing that elevator door opened when it did. I had Solange ahead by 10 points after the first round.

   It seems like every time Donald Sterling opens his mouth it is just to change feet.

   I hate when I'm in a hurry at the bank and I get a really chatty cashier...What kind of gun is it, does it come in different colors, how many bullets does it hold???

   Sometimes I walk up to a plant and exhale carbon dioxide all over it. Did I save its life? Maybe. Am I a hero? That's for history to decide.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.

   If the duvet is still on the bed your clearly not doing it right

   I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.

   I got 99 problems and a bitch of a sister is one.

   Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

   If you love something... set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies, though.

   Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.

   ou can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   I'd punch Jay-z too. His face is stupid.

   I just lost all my phone contacts so please don't send me yours!