Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cop: Sir, you were going 69 in a 65 *Exhales cigarette* All I do is 69 *Cop high fives me* You're free to go sir

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world...

   Apparently when someone posted on Facebook that they found God, asking for a picture is frowned upon!

   I try to make things last by saving them for a while, which bring me to this moment. It will be bittersweet, I can tell you that. I'm going to enjoy this, but it will also make me sad. I'm about to have my last Easter Egg.

   Neo-Nazi Rapist, Murderer Keith Luke Found Dead In Apparent Suicide. Another Republican off the voters' roll.

   (Sigh) I Got kicked out of Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade , again...

   'm 50 and my girlfriend is 22. When we went out last night everyone at the bar made faces and call me a Pedophile. It Completely ruine our 10TH Anniversary

   it too late to make my Facebook movie?!?!

   sex with my ex was so terrible that I would intentionally give myself whiskey d*ck.

   Funny thing is if we were all 100% religious, there would be nobody to do research and invent cures for diseases.

   There's nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can't cure.

   I hate the government but I fly the governments flag, support the governments troops and swear by the governments constitution as a symbol of my hatred.

   My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.

   Do atheists refer to Godzilla as Nothingzilla?