Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.

   Kimye.......................In other news there is still a plane missing folks!!

   You will unlikely ever be the oldest person on the planet, but for a brief moment you held the record for the youngest.

   “GM’s alive and bin Laden’s dead” Wait a minute……

   “I don't judge you because your opinion differs from mine. I judge you because your opinion is imbecilic.” Yours or mine?!

   I renamed my Ancestry.com file folder to Edit DNA to mess with archaeologists in the future...

   Living life with the safety off.

   take the d out of a bandana and you get a banana but if you put the d in a banana you get asked to leave the supermarket

   Beat it. Beat it. No one wants to be defeated. Shongda hupfucky. Homga shuntvight. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right.

   *introduces girlfriend to dad* “what are your intentions with my son? I hope you don’t want to turn his shirts into pyjamas then leave him”

   Nothing has ever bothered me more than when a math question ended with “how many people does it take?” and your answer had a fraction.

   I was so ugly as a child that the local pedophile used to eat his own candy.

   Jesus take the wheel I'm taking a selfie.

   Young man, does your mother know you ask girls for nudes on social media?

   Being an Atheist isn't a choice. It is merely a side effect of being highly intelligent.

   "Just be yourself" doesn't work if you suck.

   Some people are like a surprise package. You never know what you are gonna get with them.

   I know many Idiot Savants, just not with the Savant part.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it Cinnamon.

   I'm so sick of all these Happy videos that I am really starting to get depressed.