Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I give different relationship advice to ugly people than I give to beautiful ones coz the rules are not the same.

   Hey airlines; how 'bout you seat all the heavyweights in the same rows? I only got to sit in half the seat I paid for today!

   The worst part about having a teenager is every time I lose my weed, I freak out and wonder if my son took it.

   Women are beautiful creatures. Just beware of the claws, and fangs.

   Oh, you're a social drinker, I'm an anti-social drinker, nice to never meet you.

   Somewhere in the world is a woman named Rosetta Stone, and her husband still has no clue what the hell she's talking about.

   Thinking burns calories. This is why so many of us are fat.

   I need a new bad decision.

   Kim Kardashian wore white at her wedding. That's it. That's the joke.

   Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.

   20 selfies of your meltdown or it didn't happen.

   Paying taxes is why middle class America can't have nice things

   Of course I care about you, I put my d*ck in your mouth didn't I? - Men

   I look so young for my rage.

   Don't worry, I got your back. And your ass. And a little in your hair too.

   Get close so I can push you away. ~ humans

   Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.

   I didn't have enough closet space so I bought a treadmill.

   Now that Microsoft's Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.

   Your profile pic is good in bed.