Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in other news...A TSA member was arrested today in Miami. When the HOmeland Security searched her house, aside from finding a px4 hand gun, some mariajana....they found a disney snowglobe fulled of a suspicious white powder!

   Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   So you hate me? I had no idea you existed. I guess we're even.

   I mean, who hasn't been in a drug deal gone bad?

   My stages of drunk: 1. No way 2. Yes way 3. Three way

   I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.

   Black girls can easily commit a crime and get away with it becuase the forensic unit would find hair at the crime scene and trace it back to Brazil!

   When I'm bored I like to call in sick to places I don't work for. I'm getting written up at Home Depot

   Im proud to announce that my work has upgraded the toilet paper selection from 1-ply rapidly dissolving paper to 2-ply soft on your rear end stuff. The CEO must have received my letters.

   SCUBA: Shark Comes Up Bites Ass

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "I'm taking it all with me b*tches." - Sting

   The Pope excommunicates Italian Mafia: I wonder who the next pope is gonna be...

   Did you know vegan is short for joyless judgemental twat.

   The difference between Mafia and the Pope is that his victims will DEFEND him! How perfect is that? RELIGION : It keeps simpletons happy!

   The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson

   I haven't crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don't care what I think.

   I party until the parents of the kid having a birthday party realize I wasn't invited and take away my balloon and stop me from eating cake.

   Hey, parents. Stop raising children and start raising adults.

   I had so much no sex last night.

   it possible to love the one you're with but not be able to stand the sound of their breathing? Asking for a friend