Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when you think you have her, that is when you aren't even close

   Stop pretending like you don't wanna hug

   How much for the masturbation cocoon? Sir that's a sleeping bag.

   Now picture me using proper grammar. Wronger

   "Reverse cowgirl"… So you don't have to experience morning breath

   Facebook has crashed. Save your p0sts for now.

   I can't wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.

   How many more days before we can stop talking about World Cup?

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Sure having tight abs is awesome but you know what else is awesome? Pizza.

   Have you tried just avoiding people?

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.

   relationship status: sometimes I pretend i'm choking in restaurants for all the free hugs

   Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

   People make promises all the time. I prefer to just make love.

   I can't help it if I'm honest. Horny and honest. Mostly horny.

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   where did all these feelings come from and where can I put them

   Both my girlfriends think I'm cheating. I thought relationships were built on trust and being faithful