Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How many more days before we can stop talking about World Cup?

   I don't mean to brag, but I'm the funniest person at this funeral.

   Sure having tight abs is awesome but you know what else is awesome? Pizza.

   Have you tried just avoiding people?

   My best friend's marriage is such an inspiration. As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

   If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.

   relationship status: sometimes I pretend i'm choking in restaurants for all the free hugs

   Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

   People make promises all the time. I prefer to just make love.

   I can't help it if I'm honest. Horny and honest. Mostly horny.

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   where did all these feelings come from and where can I put them

   Both my girlfriends think I'm cheating. I thought relationships were built on trust and being faithful

   yes I have a dirty mind, and you are in it…

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership.

   Forecast calls for thunderstorms in Europe today. France surrenders...

   Financial planning? You mean being pretty?

   The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"