Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *looks at packaging for Pillsbury Choc Chip Cookies... "May contain raw eggs"... *Rocky theme plays as I squeeze entire tube down my throat

   i finally saw a girl in person on facebook, so I immediately went home and took back my likes

   There is no I in TEAM. But if you rearrange the letters there is a ME.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   Coworker: I don't appreciate how you... Me: Let me stop you right there, I don't give a sh*t what you appreciate.

   A car full of sluts is called a fish tank

   Instead of judging people on their past, judge them on the awful decisions they make today.

   ME: "Waiter, I'd like to send this back" WAITER: "Sir, I believe that's your wife."

   Life insurance? Why? So my wife's new boyfriend can get a trampoline?

   When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"

   My favorite Steven Seagull movie is Executive Decision because he dies in the first 15 minutes.

   Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

   I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.

   it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat's just being dramatic.

   I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom. I think that counts as camping.

   When I have a tough decision, I ask myself... "What would Jesus do?" Then, I remember how things turned out for him... And, flip a coin.

   If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tounges and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in messages, it would be creepy as hell.

   I don't even think the fat lady knows how to sing