Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked her how her day went 4 days ago and she is still telling me about it.

   No thanks responsibility, I have a Facebook account.

   Pick your toughest sucker players out.And put them in a ring with our worst nfl team, we'll still beat the S**t out of them

   On a scale of 1 to leave 100 missed calls on my phone if I fail to reply your text message within 2 minutes, how crazy are you?

   Men that wear Crocs have seen every episode of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'

   Dear Dad, Thanks for not pulling out! Happy Father's Day!!!

   There's no such thing as hot lesbians. They're just chicks who had too much to drink.

   How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She's quiet 2.She's yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you

   The rest of the world loves soccer. That's what Russia said about communism.

   I've never watched the World Cup to actually watch soccer. I watch it for the fans that riots after their team loses.

   Soccer is a microcosm of the inhabitants of the countries who participate in it. A bunch of crazy animals running around with no objective purpose.

   we have a bunch of soccer players in the USA ... we call them field goal kickers & they suck too

   from where I come from helmets are won by motorcyclists not football players

   it is good to see soccer marches happening at that tattoo festival in Brazil

   Soccer fans should just accept the the fact that, for good reason, nobody outside the USA cares about anything outside the USA.

   Funny, I have not heard Tracy Morgan say "cracker" in a few days.

   It's Fathers Day 2mmrw... Ladies plz don't start bashing the whole male species! If ya baby daddy ain't sh*t, you picked him!

   I feel like I'm being brainwashed to be into liking soccer commercials....

   Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

   Just cut myself shaving in the shower. Lost at least 2 pints of Tequila.