Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not love if you're sober.

   Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0

   The new Star Wars movie will feature a fat robot to star alongside R2D2 & C3PO. He will be called OBCT!

   Email, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   It ain't Ghana happen!! Go U.S.A!!!

   I time travel every day, from yesterday to today. . .

   Being white is a gift and a curse. No one suspects me of shoplifting but everyone expects me to know a good casserole recipe.

   Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

   Let's be honest, we all know someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a 2x4.

   I like people... From a distance.

   A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

   Ladies if you want me, I'll be in the Friend zone driving under the speed limit as usual.

   Try as you might, ladies, giraffes will always have the deep throat category on lock.

   I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.

   Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.

   ‪#‎bringbackourboys‬ Lets make peace not war. Lets love and not hate. We are all the same. We all have the same inspirations in life. Let's do good for each other and stop the hatred.

   My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

   The NBA Finals was a circus for LeBron, except a circus has three rings.

   All the sin around today just means more girls for me in Heaven!!

   Breaking news: a massive earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale was just reported in south florida Don't be alarmed- it was just all of the heat bandwagon fans jumping off at the same time