Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, another family reunion ruined when Grandpa started talking about Grandma's dusty muffin again...

   If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

   What can I say about Kanye West that he already hasn't said himself?

   I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

   While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

   What do you say when God sneezes?

   My wife will buy anything marked down. The other day she brought home an escalator.

   This homeless dude comes to me and ask for money. He said “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I said “Don’t worry. It still states the same.”

   I'd rather bathe with a cat than have a joint FB account...

   The best way to deal with voicemails is to simply not return them.

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   When a chicken crosses the road it is poultry in motion.

   I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men

   Let me drink about it and get back to you.

   Have you ever noticed that the people you'd like to say "Go to H ell!" to are almost always the kind of people who'd ask for detailed directions?

   Common sense says I shouldn't put it in there *puts it in there*

   Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.