Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will be a functioning member of society today -calls in sick

   I wish I loved anything as much as women love telling other women "that's perfectly normal" without any medical training whatsoever.

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   I got to work late this morning so I have to leave early to make up for it.

   "You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........

   Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I bothknow I don't make enough money to have a drugproblem

   "Dammit I'm Mad" is spelled the same way backwards..

   TEXTATIONSHIP: a person that texts you all the time but never makes an effort to see you.

   Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?" Me: "Why? What've you got?"

   What do women and an ambulance have in common? They make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

   World Cup Soccer reminds me of poor mans hockey

   Kermit the frog puppets sales are up......but that's none of my business tho!

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank

   My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   Judaism, Christianity and Islam are all equally valid, but one thing breaks the tie in favor of Christianity: grilled cheese with bacon.

   Tip on getting a raise at work: Every day eat a cup-a-noodle soup for lunch and make sure to mention how you need to save half, because you know you will be hungry tomorrow.

   Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.

   You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, not what I’ve been through. If you were in my shoes, you’d fall the first step.

   My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.