Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

   UP for The Undertaker. DOWN for John Cena.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

   I think there should be something in science called "the reindeer effect". I don't know what it would be, but it would be cool to hear someone say "Gentleman what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect"

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   *emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.

   When a girl says "lol have fun." do NOT have fun. Abort mission. Repeat Abort Mission.

   This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.

   Hey guys,, my feed is down.. Is anyone here friends with Kathy?..I'm on pins and needles over here about how her workout went yesterday.

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

   They are holding English signs because they want you to get the heck out of their country

   I'm white but not "get up to go jogging at 3am before work" white.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.

   My first mistake was thinking she couldn't hit a moving target.

   Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.

   How could there have been 60 shootings and 11 people killed in Chicago over the July 4th weekend when guns are not allowed there?