Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   Kanye looks lovingly at Kim... "Thank you for coming to my wedding."

   I think you missed your true calling as a pinata.

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".

   “You make me a better person.” - Me talking to my cup of coffee.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   Turns out, my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out, either

   Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?" Jesus: "Yes." Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus." Jesus: "I forgive you."

   Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   When I forget how annoying people can be, I log on to Facebook for about three minutes.

   Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass.

   Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.

   In the rest of the world, it’s called “football,” but in America it’s called “Let’s see what else is on TV.”

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   I hate goodbyes. And hellos. And all the human interaction in between.

   If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

   Wife: You’re a man. Act like one. Me: OK. *scratches balls and ignores the problem*

   Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.