Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   I'm sorry your grandma is in a coma but in my defense, she REALLY sucks at dodge ball.

   No relationship is perfect so you might as well pick the perfect person you want to go through hell with

   Wimbledon 2014 - My wife is a big tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she find the constant grunting noises during the women's matches. I promised her I will stop.

   The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.

   For invisible powers that actually work maybe churches should consider installing wifi.

   [at job interview] "As I explained to everyone in the lobby, if I get the job, I'll buy pants. It's simple."

   I am just here spooning my girlfriend out of her container. Eating Ice cream

   Happy Hump Day! Hemp. Darn auto correct.

   Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy

   Bad luck last night USA, never mind, you'll do better in the American Football World Cup - oh, wait.......

   here comes the brainless jihadists who have sold their brains for virgins

   Barack Obama walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says where did you get that. The duck replied "Kenya"

   "Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a battle of the bulge joke about a month ago, and I still have no comeback."

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   one of my aunts called me #oomf on facebook so naturally I blocked her

   Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..

   Happiness in not seeing your enemy's face.