Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, not what I’ve been through. If you were in my shoes, you’d fall the first step.

   My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

   Heard Suarez got a cold shoulder from his teammates last night

   Aaa the economy. The only people doing good is some black guy, his wife, two daughters.. and they live in a big white house they don't belong in. . .

   K-Mart is noting the 5 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death by having children's clothing half off.

   They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their mind

   A group of babies is called i'm leaving

   "Doc, you gotta help me I'm under so much stress. I keep losing my temper." "Tell me about your problem." "I just did, you f*¢king moron!"

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   Merry Half-Christmas! Enjoy the holiday, everyone.....

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: No Sir. I thought sure you would know.

   Sure, soccer is the worst thing ever but at least when some smug idiot tries to tell you "it's football" you can punch him without remorse.

   Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean

   If she spits on the hotdog before she eats the hotdog, she's a keeper.

   I thought 'Pokemon' was a Jamaican P0rn... My bad...

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   Should you even have to say the words "don't touch the dog's butthole" to your child?