Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So Ronaldo & Friends, sorry I mean Portugal got knocked out of the world cup last night.

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong

   Just watched Kill Bill volume 1, couldn't hear a thing.

   In honor of the 25th anniversary of Tim Burton's Batman, a gentle reminder that his batmobile required a grappling hook to make a left turn.

   A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.

   I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.

   Once you see Pharrell’s hat you understand how he’d be happy in a room without a roof.

   relationship status: LOL

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek

   Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore I was wearing one but I was still shot by the woman's husband

   America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!

   FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament....

   To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.

   How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.

   Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?