Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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When one door closes another one opens... if that were true, imagine trying to get in the car. It would be like an episode of Mr Bean. 
"Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?
Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.
"I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.
Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”
Cleveland better not get too excited about LeBron coming to town, He's just coming home to get his hairline then he's leaving again.
Been seeing this girl for a while so I think it's time to pop the question. Anal??
Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.
Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.
Opening a Game of Thrones-themed restaurant called "Daenerys Served"
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Passive-Aggressive Texts
Thank god the media continue to obsess on these coal hauling Kartrashian hoes and putting them out as role models.
If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.
Autocorrect is really starting to irrigate me!
every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You're new here, aren't you?
FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.
When a woman says, "I'm NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That's universal for, "You're going to die."
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage. 