Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So many people speak for God like there are his personal couriers sent to deliver his message promising all sorts of goodies he has in store us.

   maybe talk to ya when ya get yer balls sewn back on...thats if she lets ya have em back from out of her hand bag

   Im a little over the religious rants here...Adam and Eve had 2 sons...how did the world populate....seems like a scam to me!!

   FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

   Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

   Just heard a little boy call his mom "mother," as if both had already accepted the fact that he'd become a serial killer some day.

   if you have already read the books please don't spoil the ending of the world cup

   *crawls into bed* dad, I had a nightmare. Can I sleep here? *dad sighs* "Son youre 30 and we live 4 states away. How did you even get here?"

   i just worked out. well, I just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, I tripped and got back up. well, I'm actually still laying here. *takes a nap*

   "this hurts me more more than it hurts you." I say as I burn my own hand with a lighter in front of my son, unsure what the lesson is.

   So apparently North Korea is threatening war on the US over a Seth Rogen film in which Kim Jong-un is assassinated. Maybe someone should tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian...

   Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.

   Paid a kid $20.00 to cut my grass - I've officially created more jobs this year than Obama.......

   It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.

   If a rich man is hanging out with your woman - all I'm saying is she's willing to at least listen to other d*ck options. Beware dude:(

   It's been a while since anybody has posted they're having a bagel, sorry no pictures. . .

   Shopping on the Total Wine website for some good wine, they have a lot of filter categories such as red/white, merlot/cabernet, california/italy, etc but the biggest one missing is Bottle/Box!!!!! Geez, What were they thinking.

   people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.

   Iraq is just like big lottery winners. Give them a couple of years and they're worse off than before.