Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Oreo's taught me one thing, it's that taking your food apart and licking it before you eat it is perfectly normal.

   Amnesia sounds so relaxing.

   Just saw the fattest Dalmation ever. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   if you had to use a treadmill to re charge your cell phone we would all be health nuts!

   it normal to need to jack off after watching 5 minutes of Naked and Afraid? Asking for a friend.

   Time to remove the little project black boy out of office ASAP !

   Smoke Weed Every Day. Legalize it! Don't drink and drive, smoke and fly.

   The phrase ‘you need Jesus’ was made when two drunk people were sitting in front of a pool and one said “imagine if this was a pool of wine”

   I have a six pack and a gut so the ladies get the best of both worlds

   "Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" "Uh, the backstroke, Sir."

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.

   I don't know why they don't just call iPhone chargers Apple Juice

   I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   I'm pretty sure that the devil on my shoulder secretly roofied the angel.

   Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

   "I'm not afraid of women any longer" - My Tombstone

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.