Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'm emotionally constipated because I haven't given a sh*t in days

   I might not be prince charmin honey and you're not a fairy princess... so stop acting like that vajaja is gold plated. . .

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on Facebook maybe they wouldn’t get heartbroken so often.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   I was going to start a procrastination club, but I decided to wait!

   I wanted thinkstarting a procrastinating club, but

   It's all fun and games until they find traces of your DNA

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   I CAN'T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY

   Sorry pal, I don't speak Affliction shirt...

   I find it ironic that no one is asking Al Gore to run again, except maybe his cardiologist.

   I would like to see real peace and a state of Israel living peacefully alongside a state of Palestine.

   starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating

   What if I told you none of this was real? "Sir, just pay us your credit card debt."

   On a scale of Feebie from Friends to Samantha from sex and the city…just how crazy are you?

   "Really, Americans get a bad rap for being fat & gluttonous" I told my foreign friend as I turned to page 76 in my Cheesecake Factory Menu.

   Kanye West will be releasing a country album under the pseudonym of Kanye Twitty.

   I've been a sucker for titties since the day I was born...