Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   You know how you can hear the sea if you hold a sea shell to your ear? I'm pretty sure if you hold dog sh*t to your ear it sounds like Justin Bieber.

   The American Quarter Horse has unique features that make it specially suited for a variety of tasks. Ya, Quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds. Coincidence ?

   I'm so Facebook i'm sick of seeing all these stupid I'm so posts.

   I'm sick of people who judge so quickly and also trust justice system too much.

   Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   Suffering is good for the soul.

   I don't get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.

   Sick of people worrying about the Criminal more than the Victim. I support the death penalty… and who cares how long it takes you to die during an execution? Di d you care when you killed those people?

   If you can listen to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing" and not play the air guitar, then you my friend have no soul!

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   Why is it always the ugly and fat women that are nymphos? For once I would like to meet a beautiful nympho.

   Some women; They deny sex but demand fidelity.

   Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.

   Getting paid to rate porn. Well, that's the excuse I will give if I am caught watching it. . .

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..