Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bit*ches be digging up bones in someone elses yard. Dawgs be burying their bones in someone elses yard. It's an endless cycle.

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   rael says "ceasefire", Hamas says "reload".

   Most people don’t realize this… But, you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone about it.

   I love hearing “saw this and thought of you”

   I think I'm emotionally constipated because I haven't given a sh*t in days

   I might not be prince charmin honey and you're not a fairy princess... so stop acting like that vajaja is gold plated. . .

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on Facebook maybe they wouldn’t get heartbroken so often.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   I was going to start a procrastination club, but I decided to wait!

   I wanted thinkstarting a procrastinating club, but

   It's all fun and games until they find traces of your DNA

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   I CAN'T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY

   Sorry pal, I don't speak Affliction shirt...

   I find it ironic that no one is asking Al Gore to run again, except maybe his cardiologist.