Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I make guys nervous when I go braless... Because at that point... They see I have bigger balls than they do!

   Ladies... When they say it's all downhill after 40... Just know.... They're talking about gravity!

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .

   Just when I got the best place to hide a body, I forgot who I lent my shovel. . .

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   I don't know that Hamas and ceasefire should be used in the same sentence...

   President Obama called for the immediate cessation of hostilities in Gaza today. He went on to warn that if there isn't a peace treaty signed by both sides on his desk by the end of the week, that he has a phone and a pen. "My Will Be Done" -- B. Hussein

   Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out

   There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

   When India travel, the short ball is always expected to be a factor. Not when they bowl, though. Not until today. #engvind#cricket

   How can anyone think 295 people dying is funny?

   Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.

   If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.

   "I Love You just the Way You Are" is the best compliment ever.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.

   I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.

   I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.

   I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.

   What idiot called it "hitting the snooze button" and not "clock blocking"?