Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1869 of 6446

I make guys nervous when I go braless... Because at that point... They see I have bigger balls than they do!
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07-21-2014 23:48
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Ladies... When they say it's all downhill after 40... Just know.... They're talking about gravity!
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07-21-2014 23:47 by Dani
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If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
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07-21-2014 23:04 by JAB
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Just when I got the best place to hide a body, I forgot who I lent my shovel. . .
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07-21-2014 22:11 by JAB
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If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.
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07-21-2014 21:12 by snotty
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I don't know that Hamas and ceasefire should be used in the same sentence...
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07-21-2014 20:02 by J4P
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President Obama called for the immediate cessation of hostilities in Gaza today. He went on to warn that if there isn't a peace treaty signed by both sides on his desk by the end of the week, that he has a phone and a pen. "My Will Be Done" -- B. Hussein
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07-21-2014 15:52
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Next time you hear a stranger give out their number text them details of what they're wearing. It's so much fun to watch them freak out
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07-21-2014 14:46 by flinnie
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There's no more dangerous entity on earth than a woman with a lot on her mind and nothing to do but think.

When India travel, the short ball is always expected to be a factor. Not when they bowl, though. Not until today. #engvind#cricket
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07-21-2014 13:17
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How can anyone think 295 people dying is funny?
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07-21-2014 11:38
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Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday. People of Glasgow did not know they had a library.
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07-21-2014 06:42 by Nipper
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If I wanted your opinion I would have married you.

"I Love You just the Way You Are" is the best compliment ever.
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07-21-2014 02:07 by BEGO
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"Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
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07-20-2014 22:07 by snotty
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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
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07-20-2014 20:58
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I'm not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
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07-20-2014 20:52
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I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
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07-20-2014 20:18
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I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
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07-20-2014 20:17
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What idiot called it "hitting the snooze button" and not "clock blocking"?
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07-20-2014 20:17
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