Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small,large,circle,square,thin crust, thick crust,stuffed crust,extra toppings.

   I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?

   Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice,I'm made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Hey MWC, What about your pinis? Don't you feel bad about beating the only thing that ever stood up for you!!??

   Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don't have to see, touch, or smell them.

   I told you a million times do not exaggerate!

   I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.

   But in dog beers, I only had one.

   Of course I still stalk you online I'm just making sure I don't miss the moment when karma finds you

   I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.

   Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... - MEN

   I bet you won’t judge the tattoos of the person saving your life.

   Why do only 50 percent of women go to heaven?..........because if they all went, it would be hell.

   If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.

   I think I'll open a German delicatessen and call it "The Best of the Wurst."

   We all have those friends that are fine to 'hangout' with on FB, but in real life you wanna punch them right in the face. Oh wait.......that's my family.

   I'm thinking of going on an alcohol diet.... As I need to lose a few days!

   Build a man a fire, he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.