Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen

   Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.

   "This chick on Instagram posts so many pictures of her boyfriend I feel like I’m dating him."

   My call is important to them, my time isn't.

   I'm fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.

   I have decided my next ex-wife will be Scottish so when she calls me a worthless fucker it will be in that adorable wee accent.

   I wonder how many men helping the needy in foreign countries had a different idea when they told their wife they were interested in missionary.

   I WAS ASKED to judge a "wet t-shirt" competition last night. Not a cake job, they were all equally wet.

   Next time for national twins day, I expect more women to post pics of their "twins". You were slacking this year.

   I hate you like Americans hate the Kardashians.

   Today local police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

   Women who request for a massage from a guy without a happy ending are delusional.

   New Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall movie idea, Coming to America II, with Ebola

   No, whenever there's trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

   Late night 20 minute conversations with the McDonalds Drive thru guy about those who we aspire to love, the desolate restitution of our youth, and McNuggets. Because adulthood.

   convinced I may be a vampire; a steak through the heart would probably kill me.