Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on...

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   Instead of moaning about how much your life sucks try getting drunk like normal people

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   Far from perfect like everyone else.

   I accidentally stepped on this kid at the store all was well till I learnt his parents were called Lafonzo and Shaniqua

   After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   a group of 5 white basketball players is called a "loss"

   I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?