Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie

   I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?

   Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you cant do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.

   Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on...

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   Instead of moaning about how much your life sucks try getting drunk like normal people

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   Far from perfect like everyone else.