Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.

   Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?

   If I ever get into road rage again, and the person gets out of their car. I'm going to run them over under the Tony Stewart act..... Just saying

   Sometimes I wish Tony Stewart would run me over....... #Hangover

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download beer.

   Me: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" Her: "Sir, this is a library." Me: *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."

   Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.

   where in the marriage licence does it say "feel free to get fat now ladies"? jeez have some respect for yourself and husband..

   "If ya can't beat them, kill 'em" -Tony Stewart

   You had me at "can't wait until Obama isn't president anymore"

   I cant wait till Obamas not president anymore so that we can all complain about the next president.

   Sorry, I value our friendship too much to ever loan you money.

   Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.

   if people around you are being negative, be extra positive & cancel them out

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.