Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge. Sincerely, The Titanic

   Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!!!

   My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don't know yet though she's still in bed

   Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.

   When the Redskins change their name it is my hope the cowboys from Wyoming, Montana and the Dakotas make sure Jerry Jones changes the name of his team so Cowboys won't be portrayed as PUSSIES.

   I nominate Clint Eastwood,to the Franklin Mo. challence,to go straighten this whole mess out and restore law and order.You have 24 hours...good lu

   You had me at "Do Not Resuscitate"

   Poor planning on your part does not make it is an emergency on my part.

   Coming to Facebook for religion is like visiting a strip club to find a woman to marry. Wrong place.

   I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same

   If there's no chance it can give me a heart attack then I'm not interested in eating it.

   Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.

   Look kiddo, you're 7 now. Daddy's Gin & Tonic needs to be mixed a lot better than that. Rules are rules. Standard def TV only this weekend.

   People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

   Well well well if it isn't the bills I keep throwing away.

   *calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you're not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*

   I like my organic farm-raised eggs like I like my action movies: Cage free.

   I can always tell if it's going to be a good year based on how fat or skinny Christina Aguilera is.

   How about we replace the water in these Ice bucket challenges with acid and rid ourselves of some of these self-conceited and egoistic "celebrities"???

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?