Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i just worked out. well, I just did push ups. well, 1 push up. well, I tripped and got back up. well, I'm actually still laying here. *takes a nap*

   "this hurts me more more than it hurts you." I say as I burn my own hand with a lighter in front of my son, unsure what the lesson is.

   So apparently North Korea is threatening war on the US over a Seth Rogen film in which Kim Jong-un is assassinated. Maybe someone should tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian...

   Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.

   Paid a kid $20.00 to cut my grass - I've officially created more jobs this year than Obama.......

   It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.

   If a rich man is hanging out with your woman - all I'm saying is she's willing to at least listen to other d*ck options. Beware dude:(

   It's been a while since anybody has posted they're having a bagel, sorry no pictures. . .

   Shopping on the Total Wine website for some good wine, they have a lot of filter categories such as red/white, merlot/cabernet, california/italy, etc but the biggest one missing is Bottle/Box!!!!! Geez, What were they thinking.

   people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   When police announce they've captured a "ringleader", I imagine a festive, circus-themed crime syndicate. Because I'm delightful.

   Iraq is just like big lottery winners. Give them a couple of years and they're worse off than before.

   Why is it called necrophilia and not sexual intercorpse

   My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.

   In many cultures, it's considered good luck to be bitten by Luis Suarez.

   can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian

   Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking? I can't pair wines like this.

   It's not Adam and Steve it's Adam and “we need to talk”

   When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.

   Your husband is a in a better place, Mrs. Smith. He's in the stomach of a shark now. How badass is that