Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had walked a mile in your shoes before I realized that we don't wear the same size.

   After a while you just get used to people not understanding.

   new rule....everyone given a "life sentence" by a judge has to start racing NASCAR.....one of them will die fast

   went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn't find any

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   * Noah loading ark,,, "cows? check,,, goats? check",,, *llama walks up,,, " I already have llamas."... "Umm, I'm an Alpaca?".... "O.K.,, Wahatever"

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

   "NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

   You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   It doesn't count as a "drug deal" if they charge full price.

   Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.

   *suddenly pulls away from kissing* "But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.

   Congratulations on your internet fame! Now table six could really use some more coffee.

   It's so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you're just playing.

   *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"