Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   I don’t like morning people or mornings or people

   Was scrolling through the guide for Direct TV and came across a program called "Hot Tub Fun". It was an infomercial to sell hot tubs......very disappointed...

   This iPhone 6+ is how many inches? my pants only has room for one thing with more than six inches. (ladies, the queue starts here)

   The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

   I feel a jokeke for Chris Brown and Ray Rice Rice coming up. hmmm...maybe after I finish this Brown Rice, I'll knock it out!

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home they're just plain old donuts.

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.

   there a term for when a woman wakes you up by humping your face?

   If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"

   My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in..

   My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in..

   the NY Giants should mentor Ray Rice they wont be beating anyone this season

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   Don’t you hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...don’t you hate it?

   When I tell you I'm going to shower then head out, be sure to factor in about two hours of me sitting at my computer in a towel.