Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Waiter! What is this fly doing in my soup?" "Uh, the backstroke, Sir."

   Kardashians are like door handles, every one gets a turn.

   I don't know why they don't just call iPhone chargers Apple Juice

   I think abs are for guys that don't have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   I'm pretty sure that the devil on my shoulder secretly roofied the angel.

   Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

   "I'm not afraid of women any longer" - My Tombstone

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks

   Watching p0rn and the woman actually said "i love you" in the heat of the moment & its the most disgusting thing i've heard in a p0rn ever.

   Judge, I'm sorry I attacked that woman but I was wearing cheetah print & she had on a zebra shirt & Mother Nature just took over from there.

   Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.

   [Mother-in-law visiting] -May I use your restroom? -Down the hall first door on the right -That's the front door -You may use the yard

   I need to work on my texting. I text a girl C- U- N- T....... I meant..." see you next Thursday" and now she is not speaking to me.

   Facebook in 2014 is a few people screaming from a mostly empty stage who don't realize that everyone in the audience has gone home.

   I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees.

   What you call "camping", I call "aggresive waiting".

   Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn't want to talk too.