Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice.

   I think Ceelo Green released the Ray Rice tape

   I'm from England and have no idea who ray rice is....

   When our dog, Brittany, was just a puppy, I had to teach her how to drink water from a bowl. My wife was concerned that the water wasn't very clean. I assured her that it was... I flushed it three times.

   Ravens cut Ray Rice. I'd hate to there when he gets home tonight!!

   After seeing Solange and Ray Rice videos, I'm going to start taking the stairs. Elevator are too dangerous.

   You all need to listen to Ray Rice cover Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator". Its going to be a bit hit.

   An Allen wrench is just a wrench that tucks his sweater vest into his khakis and cc's your boss on every email reply.

   I got to remember not to say "nailed it" around Jesus when he returns

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   I'm playing a girl in fantasy FB this week, I have to pick up ray rice, he gives me the best opportunity to beat her.

   "Filmed in front of a live studio audience"? I guess thats better than in front of a bunch of zombies.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.

   I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

   I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.

   Still haven't cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different

   I don't always get erections at Burger King. But when I do, their a whopper!

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds