Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dude I'm in my prime, you don't need the roofies.

   I just want to hang out with some people whose asses I don't have to wipe. Is that too much to ask.?

   X says •••note to self•••- I look pretty crazy talking to myself about notes.

   If my girlfriend really loved me she would be Megan Fox.

   Do you consider it as an insult to be hit on by a gay guy? YES - t hums d0wn NO - t humbs Uo

   f your cat really loved you it would be a dog.

   It's always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.

   My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   If you can talk your wife into having sex, you could score with anybody.

   real men don't overuse emojis.

   Husband asks me to hammer the nail in while he holds it . Most action I got all week.

   "Nipping it in the bud" sounds way more fun than it actually is.

   The reason wedding invitations go out so far in advance is to give guests time to find something else to do.

   a lot of wankers here who will thumb down a good joke cos it threathens their own

   Lesbians are just guys I am not allowed to punch.

   my dinner taste like lazyness and the day before payday!

   I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat