Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   Disappointed with the NFL's decision to suspen Peterson. I could see if he spanked someone else's kid, but his own?

   Budweiser tells the league to suspend Peterson, and they wonder why the NFL is failing. Who cares of aa player spanked his kid, seriously.

   Dear Scotland, if you choose to go it alone we dont want drunken texts in a few months time saying what a huge mistake it was. Yours England

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .

   too much weed & you're "high".....too much beer & you're "drunk".....do both at same time & I become a "HUNK"

   Arizona Cardinals running back Jonathan Dwyer was arrested Wednesday for domestic violence, according to reports. Let's see, we have Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and now this idiot accused of domestic violence. Is this a running back thing?

   I've been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don't know karate.

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   I hate it when I think i'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home they are just regular donuts.

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   somehow,the NFL must find itself wishing Richie Incognito was still it's worse bully.

   iPhone users update:- I'll screenshot it, I'll tweet about it, I'll Instagram it, I'll write a blog about it, I'll delete half of my contents for it, I'll get enraged about it.Android users update:- *clicks update, gets on with life*

   Jameis needing more whooping with a switch when he was growing up!!

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister

   Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I'm sobering up.

   My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded

   This all started when I told her to prove it.