Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Autocorrect is really starting to irrigate me!

   every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps

   Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.

   You seem to have a good grip on reality. You're new here, aren't you?

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.

   When a woman says, "I'm NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That's universal for, "You're going to die."

   I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.

   When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.

   If you're going to make assumptions, start with the assumption that you are a shallow idiot.

   fall in love with someone who treats you like Kanye West treats Kanye West.

   ..Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them?....."IN loving memories of all the faces that have been buried here..."

   Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them?....."IN loving memorie of all those who died here?"

   All these folks that use to be a Heat Fan...are now a wherever He-At fan.....

   Siri, how do I unburn a jersey?

   So the Miami Heat lose LeBron James to the Cleveland Cavs... so what!?! Let me know when they lose Justin Bieber to steam roller.

   The 2 living Popes come from the final 2 remaining countries in the World Cup. Checkmate Atheists!!

   Luis Suarez has signed with barcelona for 70 million euros...that's a big bite out of the team's budget!

   Have you ever been at the beach and looked at the face of a scantly-clad teenager and think; "Jail Bait." But than look at her body and wonder just how much jail time they are talking about?

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin from USA: if we send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   If you can't handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out