Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

   I was going to start a procrastination club, but I decided to wait!

   I wanted thinkstarting a procrastinating club, but

   It's all fun and games until they find traces of your DNA

   I'm that dude that responds to your text 3 weeks later with ;)

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   At 37 years old today I think aim in the "Rocky V" stage of my life. #shouldastoppedafterDrago

   I CAN'T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY

   Sorry pal, I don't speak Affliction shirt...

   I find it ironic that no one is asking Al Gore to run again, except maybe his cardiologist.

   I would like to see real peace and a state of Israel living peacefully alongside a state of Palestine.

   starting a dating site for old farts like me calling it carbon dating

   What if I told you none of this was real? "Sir, just pay us your credit card debt."

   On a scale of Feebie from Friends to Samantha from sex and the city…just how crazy are you?

   "Really, Americans get a bad rap for being fat & gluttonous" I told my foreign friend as I turned to page 76 in my Cheesecake Factory Menu.

   Kanye West will be releasing a country album under the pseudonym of Kanye Twitty.

   I've been a sucker for titties since the day I was born...

   4-year-olds can be a pain in the ass. 4-year old nice: “Why don’t you wear makeup?” Me: “Because I don’t need to. I’m a boy.” 4-year old nice: “Do you enjoy being ugly?”

   You're allowed to make anti-gay statements, and companies are allowed to make anti-you statements by firing you. Free speech works.

   Congrats to LeBron for being the first person in human history to successfully escape Ohio and then go back by choice.