Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie

   Solar flares...Thanks Obamacare

   Just ate 2 bagles and used only half the cream cheese. Diets are hard people!! Really hard.

   I don't want to brag but I was the best Nintendo game blower in history.

   Ladies, if you ever get a big ego because a lot of guys want to get with you, just remember this, some guys have been known to get it on with farm animals.

   Palin Family Asked to Leave Party After Brawl Breaks Out - hillbilly's gone wild - America dodged a bullet

   $950 for an iPhone 6 off contract’)... Airplane mode better take me on vacation

   Of all the things my phone can do, its ability to make me look busy while in an elevator with people who think I want to talk to them is my favoritte.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts

   "I created the entire universe for the sake of one group of one species on one planet in one solar system in one galaxy." - GOD

   If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!

   Sure, whitepeople can't say the "n-word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "hey dad"

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don't give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.

   All the celebrities have released their own fragrance so I decided to release mine too...now the wife is disgusted with me again.

   I think they should replace oxygen on the planes masks with laughing gas. I mean you are gonna die anyways at least this way you are happy about it. 

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.