Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN

   "I just want a man who is honest, and will tell me what he is thinking" - Wishful thinking by women

   "When people fight and hate and kill over Me I'm obviously very flattered." - GOD

   It's funny how you become mom's new favorite when your sibling goes to jail.

   Maybe cops who plant evidence just really love gardening.

   Cooking is only the second best thing I can do in the kitchen.

   So "instagram" doesn't mean your dealer is right around the corner?

   I hope Micheal Sam wins an ESPY for breakout female athlete of the year

   I have more people on my block list than some of you have on your friends list. . .

   I use to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

   If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I'm at the expert level of Angry Birds

   *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a sh*tty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

   Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

   It's my pain and I'll cry if I want to!

   For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   I found out where the Terminator Action Figures are sold at Wal-mart. Aisle B, back.

   Derek Jeter sent a gift basket to Adam Wainwright's room last night.

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   I will believe corporations are people when Texas executes one