Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   "I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.

   Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me

   Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

   You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married

   Why do teenagers have unprotected sex but buy indestructable cases for their cell Phones?

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.

   One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   "Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.