Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm in no position to cast the first stone, but I'll be happy to cast the next five or six.

   Dear Grandma: I am writing this slowly because I know you cannot read fast.

   I'm not the sort of person you want to put on speakerphone.

   Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT!

   Well played fat girl in a hot car, well played...

   Pay no attention to circling vultures, they're with me.

   Most my coworkers just don't know how stupid they are.... so I let them know

   if I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn't want to be me on that day

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I've decided to start growling.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do

   I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.

   Did you hear about the girl who had TWO chances to get pregnant, and she blew them both?

   I'm gonna complain to Domino's! They said I'd have my pizza before I could say 'Piping hot!'. I've said it 867 times since then and it's STILL not here!

   Bruce and Kris Jenner officially file for divorce today. Or as most see it, the next step in Bruce's sex change. He is probably already wearing capri pants by now.

   I wish Twitter would stop recommending that I follow "One Direction." Do they think I wear capri pants or something?

   The question no one is asking: What did Janay do to piss him off?

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes... maybe these 20 cats really aren't my friends after all :(

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.

   So you are changing your iPhone 5 with iPhone 6 just for an inch? Hope your girlfriend won't do the same.