Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Memory.....Second shortest thing I have.

   Kim Kardashian was attacked at the Paris Fashion Show! It is still unknown which NFL player assaulted her, but Roger Goodell vows to educate these exceedingly uneducated players. Mainly because this just puts the bi+ch back in the spotlight.

   I would never wish bad things upon anyone... but if ISIS just so happened to run into Tom Brady... I wouldn't be too upset.

   Kim Kardashian attacked at the Paris Fashion Show, but unfortunately it wasn't by ISIS.

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.

   Trying to quit electronic cigarettes by smoking real ones.

   I'm all about three things, fast cars and bad counting.

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say stuff like "That one's shaped like an idiot."

   Realized I’ve never seen gloves in someone’s glove compartment, and now nothing makes sense anymore

   Before the internet I used to like people.

   Chinese food to go: $17.95. Gas to go get it $1.50. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   My quest to become a porn star fell a little short...3 inches too short to be exact.

   So Wesleyan University in Connecticut thinks it can cut down on campus rapes by requiring fraternities to admit women. Uh, excuse me but isn't the best way to prevent campus rapes to keep women OUT of fraternity houses?

   Poland's worst ever air disaster happened today when a two seat Cessna crashed in a cemetery on the outskirts of Warsaw . Polish rescue workers have so far recovered 423 bodies , but expect that number to increase as digging continues .

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   I was addicted to porn but I was able to beat it.

   How do you circumcise an ISIS dude? You can't. There ain't no end to them pr!cks.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?