Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   It's national hot dog day! Time to come and get your weenie ladies.

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   There is a new strain of Marijuana on the market now. It is called "The Obama". It is very expensive, powerful, and does not do anything

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.

   I'd put down my phone for you.

   "Pro-Russian rebels" You mean the Russian army?

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

   I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

   I'm so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..

   If you need to cancel your service with Comcast, I suggest getting Liam Neeson to handle it

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.

   I like to buy someone a birthday gift at CVS so then I can make a ribbon out of the receipt ‪#‎recycle‬

   A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.

   Apparently there is a difference between Hamas and Hummus... So I have been avoiding my fridge for nothing.