Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast. . .

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.....

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   thinking of opening my own business... half sporting goods store and half hardware store. I could call it "Sport n' Wood".

   Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

   Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.

   if noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but then get mad when they don't get it?

   Breaking news: Israel has found yet another tunnel from Gaza... but when they attempted to go inside, they discovered that the NY port authority had already set up a tollbooth there and demanded $15 to cross...

   Someone hacked my online bank account and now I have to change my dog's name.

   I'm in a weird place mentally. And physically. And geographically

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   I would be totally into cosplay if it meant dressing up and pretending to be bill cosby.

   Vet who had sex with dogs and horses loses license, becomes just regular guy who had sex with dogs and horses.

   It is just a fact that some people are not comedians no matter how hard they try

   Tried to kill a mockingbird but it mocked me and almost killed me instead...

   With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I'm sure heads will roll.

   Welcome to The Antisocial Club Now besides me, who else doesn't want to be here?

   I think I'll open a Chinese restaraunt and call it "Wok Your Dog."

   How much for the coping mechanism? Ma'am that's alcohol..