Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "This is where the magic happens" ~Me on a first date to a magic show

   The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn't done anything wrong

   Every time you open a bottle of beer, an angel gets it's wings.

   What doesn't kill you, adapts to make sure it kills you the next time.

   Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.

   You dating 3 people and you say you are in a relationship!!! Lol nah you are in a group activity.

   I never lose sleep over my enemies its my friends that keep me awake.

   I maybe heaven sent but I can also bring hell

   If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

   If I have to text you first every time we talk, then I'm just goign to drop and block you!

   well Notre Dame fans...In about a year FSU will have to vacate this victory so you have that to look forward to

   I saw this big guy in brand new Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms. I thought briefly, "That looks like mine." Then I realized, mine wears adidas.

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   somewhere there a stoner watching the news hearing about Ebola & they ask "a bowl of what"

   FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren't for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong.

   Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.

   OK. The US is sending troops to West Africa to fight Ebola and humanitarian aid to the Middle East to fight ISIS. How the hell did we ever win two World Wars?

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous and six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.