Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   All these Ebola deaths in Africa might explain why I haven't heard back from that Nigerian prince after I sent him my financial information.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...

   If you're asking why there are no black folks in the movie Titanic. Who the hell do you think brought the luggages on board?

   "You know. If I had a son, he'd look like Hunter Biden and would do blow off a secretary's tramp stamp on a Naval base" ~ Barack Obama

   Biden's son, another example of someone out douching their douchey parent

   Biden's son booted off navy for positive cocaine test. Now he will run for office and win and deztroy sovereignty of nationz

   Everytime I see someone wearing camo, I run right into them. The I apologize profusely, claiming that I "didn't see them"

   Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope. I didn't know planets had telescopes...

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   My pet peeve is when I accidentally impregnate other guy's GF's on the 7th? No, 11th try.

   Autocorrect changes "kiss" to "kids" like its trying to remind me how I got in this mess in the first place.

   She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.

   Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   "Being curious is secondary, being serious is primary".