Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *spills beer on trick-or-treaters* No [hiccup] we're out of Snickers & Fun Dip & [hiccup] No Twix either. You want these seeded grapes or not?

   Pro tip: DO NOT compliment a girl on her slutty girl Halloween costume until you confirm it's a slutty girl costume...

   Due to the fact that I rarely get more than 2 trick or treaters, I buy candy that I like and give them a can of pork n beans!

   No its not "cute", its actually quite slutty looking, and yes I love it!

   I'm not saying she's bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn't a strobe light.

   It's been a bad week for spacecrafts. Maybe my parents will finally stop nagging me about not becoming an astronaut...

   Here's an idea for a costume. And your friends will never expect it. Try looking and behaving like a responsible person.

   I just googled "dying alone" and it brought me to my own Facebook Page.

   The killer of the Pennsylvania Trooper was handcuffed and transported to jail with the dead Trooper's handcuffs and police car, maybe they can shoot him with the Trooper's GUN !

   Dear Girls : No Need To Do Anything For Halloween … Just Remove The Makeup And Go To The Party

   Wearing my PJ pants, slippers, and carrying a Walmart bag for Halloween this year. That's right, I'm a Walmart Shopper.

   making my world famous caramel onions to sit outside the door of a empty apartment so that way kids wont get pissed off at me when they bite into a onion instead of a caramel apple hehehe Happy Halloween

   HR says I am allowed to dress up as a pirate for the office Halloween party but I am not allowed to try to plunder booty, even if it is mighty fine booty....this organization has too many rules.

   When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.

   Somedays, I'm just a walkin', talkin' meat bag full of awesome.

   I'm going to as many Halloween parties as I can. I'll be in the invisible man. You'll just have to imagine I'm there. . .

   Prison football teams seam to have a difficult time finding a person qualified to play tight end.

   If you're panicking about ebola going airborne , just remember that this means you believe in evolution.

   I bet the guy working at the laundromat never has to break a hundred.

   I'm just looking for a reason not to drink