Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll never understand why men lie about the size of their d*icks... *puts on padded push up bra*

   WoW! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!

   It's unhealthy the amount of pressure society put on adults having to behave.

   Sorry I photobombed your selfie, but I needed an alibi.

   Oh My God Becky

   Monica Lewinski's whole experience at the White House left a bad taste in her mouth.

   Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

   n't it weird that after 30,000 years of eating bread, everyone is gluten allergic now?

   Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

   It's getting harder and harder to tell Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife apart.

   I hate when people ask questions during movies like do you not understand that a movie purposely doesn’t tell you things in order to build suspense

   he instructions for my funeral are for someone to come up front at the end and padlock my coffin shut just to freak everyone out.

   Pro tip: when you're watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don't suggest potential additional wives.

   RIP Mrs Kotter

   It's funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my evenings in the front yard treating it with weed killer.

   So..... Monica Lewinsky is now selling herself as a crusader for media abuse and ruined reputations.... Good for her because.... well..... ummm.... she blew her chance at a political career....

   The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.

   My dogs say the nicest things to me, sure it sounds like my voice but its their words.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   Getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…"Lose weight now" ...”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.