Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It's fiction people.

   I will accept drink a case of beer challenge. . .

   Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other, does this taste funny to you. . .

   I think I'll open a lemonade stand, you know.. for those lemons that I collected through life. . .

   I am currently taking the cold beer challenge.

   all my teachers know computers....they used to code "C++" on my school papers

   I pledge to drink a bucket of wine to raise awareness for the earthquake that affected Napa wine country.

   Some of these people I wish would do their ALS Ice Bucket Challenge with a bucket that is a solid block of ice.

   Action movie villains should really go to the gun range to practice beforehand, because they always miss.

   When two sets of boobs cross paths, the larger set has the right of way.

   Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.

   How about something colder than a bucket full of ice? Like a bucket full of your exes hearts.

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

   Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

   When women wear makeup they're basically lying to us.

   I am an agnostic. I have no problem with any faith...unless that faith tries to impose laws on me based on their faith. Then we have a problem.

   so for my ice bucket challenge I would like to nominate fumanya mutamba from northern africa. you have 24 hours or pay 100 dollars.

   I think Suge Knight pays someone to shoot him before the VMAs so he doesn't have to sit through them

   the nfl: knock a woman out - suspended 2 games... drink beer - suspended 4 games...