Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

   I wish gyms had a "montage" option

   Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.

   Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.

   I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.

   Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

   People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows

   Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

   It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....

   Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.

   If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

   The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.