Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1769 of 6446

Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.
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11-08-2014 13:03 by SEAN
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I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.
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11-08-2014 08:21 by MWC
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Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
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11-08-2014 05:52 by Baddie
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People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows
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11-08-2014 05:48
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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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11-08-2014 05:48 by Baddie
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It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.
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11-08-2014 05:43 by Baddie
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According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!
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11-08-2014 02:46 by John Y
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My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....
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11-07-2014 18:30 by Zuuuuuup
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Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.
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11-07-2014 17:26 by SEAN
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If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
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11-07-2014 17:23 by SEAN
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My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....
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11-07-2014 17:22 by SEAN
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The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.
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11-07-2014 17:01 by SEAN
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The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
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11-07-2014 17:00 by SEAN
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It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .

The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.
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11-07-2014 15:07
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Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.
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11-07-2014 14:48
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Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.
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11-07-2014 12:47
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Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11.
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11-07-2014 07:58
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If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
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11-07-2014 06:42 by flinnie
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