Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Fair warning to bros calling me a sissy... your face WILL be posted on my Pinterest.
←Rate | 11-08-2014 13:03 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've never known you to sweat the petty stuff. Although I have known you to pet sweaty stuff.
←Rate | 11-08-2014 08:21 by MWC Comments (0)  


   messageicon Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
←Rate | 11-08-2014 05:52 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows
←Rate | 11-08-2014 05:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
←Rate | 11-08-2014 05:48 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s so embarrassing when you say, "I love you, too," only to realize the person was waving to someone behind you.
←Rate | 11-08-2014 05:43 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!
←Rate | 11-08-2014 02:46 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $3,000 Louis Vuitton purse....
←Rate | 11-07-2014 18:30 by Zuuuuuup Comments (0)  


   messageicon Statistically you are more likely to die from being in Lynyrd Skynyrd than from Ebola.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 17:26 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 17:23 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....
←Rate | 11-07-2014 17:22 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 17:01 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 17:00 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads .
←Rate | 11-07-2014 16:25 by @uxbridgeguy Comments (0)  


   messageicon The cry of the old hyena and the loss of the young goat are one.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 14:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Me: Hey Boss, I can't come to work today. I'm in mourning. Boss: Oh no, what happened? Me: I killed that p ussy last night.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 12:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Binary math is as easy as 01 10 11.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 07:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 06:42 by andrew jackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
←Rate | 11-07-2014 06:42 by flinnie Comments (0)  




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