Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided that I'm never going to get back to my original weight and I'm OK with that. After all, 6 lbs 7 oz. isn't a realistic expectation.

   ALS Foundation admits that only 27% of donations are used for research!!! How's that bucket of ice feel now?

   I hear 50 Cent and Floyd Mayweather are going to settle their feud in the ring. I'd actually pay to see that fight- I bet if I was lucky enough to catch one of 50 Cent's teeth I could sell it on eBay.

   50 Cent OR Floyd Mayweather Jnr - Let see which side Justin Beaver will choose

   Dating site for overweight people: All you can meet.

   McDonald's is changing their slogan form "We made it yesterday" to "Old, Cold, and Sold to you".

   GOOD NEWS EVERYONE,,, Comedy Central has just secured the rights to show all of the NY JETS regular season.

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   I bet Hell has the same toilet paper as airports.

   Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   I'm in it for the long run, as long as running isn't involved.

   Michael Jackson could do a very realistic Thriller video right now.

   Relationship Status: After carefully weighing the options. Willing to give loneliness a try.

   Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.

   Dear Ladies We also have bouncy body parts, but you don't see us inserting wire into our underwear to keep them in place. Let em jiggle!

   "What's in the box... WHAT'S IN THE BOX??!!!" Brad Pitt opening his wedding gifts.

   I remember my first beer.....Ah, who I am kidding....I was too drunk to remember. Plus I was like 12 so...

   i am now doing my bucket list,until I kick the bucket challenge.

   After getting an astronomical quote from my mechanic, I am going to try the ABS challenge. That's where I drive my car without anti lock breaks, until someone donates for me to get it fixed!