Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're afraid of the Dentist, it's probably because you don't go to the Dentist...

   I was going to have sex with you , but you said okie dokie

   Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time

   You're wrong. - First Rule of Right Club

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   Hey Rob Lowe,,, You should have called,,,, I would have loaned you a couple of bucks!!

   if I was a bears fan tonight is as good as any to quit that bad habit.

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   It's what's on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.

   Not to brag or anything,,, but I got the high score on my bathroom scale today.

   So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?

   I may not be 2014 healthy,,, but I'm 1814 healthy.

   Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

   Maybe her drawn eyebrows are all she has left.

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

   I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

   A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."

   I wish gyms had a "montage" option

   Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.