Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In a BMW manual the first page says "Drive like an a$$hole" and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.

   Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don't want to look like a dork.

   I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken.

   Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.

   Settle down Cross Fit. Settle down. I just wanna lift weights not snatch smart cars.

   The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

   All my passwords are protected by amnesia...

   Reports out of Buffalo are stating they are hiring fans to help shovel out Ralph Wilson Stadium. Hey, Goodell Ray Rice & AP are free!

   if you're sad about being single, especially with Christmas around the corner, just remember even Charles Manson found someone to marry him. So there's hope for you yet! Have a good day everybody!!

   PRO TIP: Take the wrapper off the fortune cookie before you eat it.

   Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.

   UK's terror alert levels: 1. Oh we couldn't possibly 2. Blimey! 3. Call Jeeves!! 4. Bloody hell 5. *puts down teacup*

   Who me? Oh I'm just wondering how long it took Kim K to get all that oil off her ass

   I'm just gonna wait for the iPhone12 when Siri can extend her arms and hold me.

   Proposal idea: Pack the ring inside your car's airbag and then crash into a wall.

   I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, so I ate some caterpillars.

   Some people say I’m condescending, which of course means I look down on people.

   Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

   Nice try Sonic but I'm sure that the dude in the commercial isn't really trying to impress the ladies

   People who say stuff like "everyday is a new day" are also the same fools who say sh*t like "apples are fruits" and "women are humans"